Chapter 12 Excerpt, In a Perfect World

He shut the door and locked it.  Once the door was locked, I collapsed into his arms. I was hyper-ventilating.  He held me tight. "It's ok", he said. "You're going to be ok". I wanted to look up at his face, I was looking for something... I wasn't sure what. Some sort of expression that would tell me what he was feeling or thinking. I was half hoping for him to tell me that what he did was just for show, and that we were actually running away together. But this was real. I realized I didn't need to look hard to find what I was looking for. The tears streaming down his face and his heart racing said it all.

A few minutes went by and I was able to calm down.

"I'm so sorry", he said. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"Why did you do that?" I asked.

"I wanted to do the right thing", he said.

"What if it’s not the right thing?" I asked him. "What if we're the right thing?"

"I want that to be true", he said. "But there's one very important thing that makes this wrong. And you have an obligation to try and make it work.  Maybe you can get what you used to have back."

I don't want it back. I wanted to say that out loud so badly, but I kept it to myself. It seemed selfish and wrong.

He took a deep breath and continued.

"I just want you to be happy", he said. "I can make you happy for a few minutes... but I want you to be happy for the rest of your life. You deserve that. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't let you try just so I wouldn't be miserable?"

But he made me happier in one month that I had been for many years. I wanted to be with him. I was positive. Yet another thought that I couldn't voice.

"You may not see me for a while", he said. "I don't think it’s a good idea for me to always be around. I love you enough to stay the hell away from you. I think. Just don't look behind you. Or in the backseat of your car. Or in your rear view mirror. Because I won't be there!" he yelled, pointing his finger at me and trying to sound authoritative.

It didn't matter what was happening, he could always make me laugh....even though I felt like part of my heart was being surgically removed without anesthesia.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"I think I'm supposed to call you nasty names and kick you out of here", he said. "I don't want to do that."

"So don't."

"I do have to get up early tomorrow though...I think I'm just going to start my evening ritual now."

"Which is?" I asked.

"Whack off while thinking of you and then go to sleep", he said.

"Need some help?" I asked hopefully.

"Don't tempt me!" he yelled, smiling.

He stood up, and I did the same. Even though I would have preferred to stay on the floor and never leave.

He held out his hand for me to shake. I completely ignored that and put my arms around him. I hugged him tight, hoping he would change his mind and admit that he was wrong. How could this be right? It felt anything but right.

"I love you so much. But I've never felt so horrible", he said. He nuzzled my neck and pressed himself against me. He wanted me to know that he still loved me, and still wanted me.

He pulled away from me and took a deep breath. He pointed to the door.

"Now go" he said. "Or I'll...think of something eventually."

I unlocked and opened the door, walked out, and shut the door. I didn't want to say goodbye to him.

I covered my mouth with my hands. I wanted to scream. I suddenly felt dizzy and thought I was going to faint. I leaned against the cold wall to steady myself and catch my breath.

I heard him pacing on the floor and whimpering...then a loud crash. "Fuck!" he yelled.

I wanted to go to him.

Just as I was about to...I heard him lock the door.

©Carrie-Ellen as Kat Matheson, 2009-2011, Picker Penguin Press