Broken

I posted a few weeks ago about getting back to dating for the first time in ten years.  I have been seeing the same person (Ray) for a few weeks now and although its been nice, its been difficult to put forth much effort.  Aside from coming to terms with the separation between my husband and I at the same time, my heart just isn't in it.  

Ray has been trying, perhaps too much too soon..... what I really want right now is mostly a friend....someone to talk to, who can be affectionate and comforting in a non-smothering way.  And maybe a relationship with someone I already dated isn't the best way to go.  I always remember the saying that "an ex should always remain an ex" because there is a reason that person wasn't right for you the first time.  But being someone who doesn't adjust well to significant change, I wanted to be with someone I already knew and trusted..... and whom I knew I'd be safe with.  I know I need to give myself some time, but that sentiment is being met with slight impatience and a lack of understanding for what I'm going through. 

I can understand not understanding when someone isn't going through the same thing, but even though the marriage I am coming out of was abusive, I refuse to think of my soon to be ex-husband as the "douche bag" people assume him to be.  I know name calling can be a way for people to relate and say "hey, I understand and feel for your situation", but it doesn't feel like the case and I can't help but be offended.  I was married to my husband for almost ten years, and we dated for one year prior.  I watched him practically grow up (he is five younger than me), and we had been through quite a lot together.  I still cry remembering our first date and how sweet he was to me.  We had a lot of great moments..... which unfortunately ended a few years ago.  We hurt each other a lot, but that doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore or think he is a horrible person.  I only hope that we can both heal separately from all the things that we did to each other.  Sometimes I feel like the victim, sometimes I feel like the villain..... but neither is really true...or maybe both are really true?  "It takes two to tango" as they say.

I also hope that I can get over the feeling of being broken or defective...... its been a really long time since I've felt appreciated or wanted.  And the downside of being a woman is that our value seems to depreciate over time.  I hope that my efforts to create a healthier lifestyle for myself - including eating right and participating in many types of exercise, and working on my appearance and confidence.... will someday catch the eye of someone who wouldn't mind being with me.  There's a part of me who would love to be loved again, but there's also a part of me who can't let go of the love she has lost.  It has always been hard for me to accept never being "good enough" for someone, particularly those I have loved with my whole heart and soul.  And the one I still love, who I am lucky if he ever paid me a moment of his attention.

The anguish of letting my husband go has not completely hit me yet..... except for moments when I allow myself to think about it for more than a few minutes, and I suddenly feel as if I've gotten the wind knocked out of me.  Since he suffers from depression, I've been treading delicately.... tip-toed around him, and let him do what he needs to do.  I have had moments of bitterness when I feel like I'm being abandoned..... but I have made sure to apologize for that and make sure he knows its not his fault and that its something I'm feeling that I need to let go of.

I am happy that my husband does not have to go down with the sinking ship that is the home we shared..... a source of constant struggle, which I will no longer be able to hold on to once he leaves.  Luckily the mortgages are only in my name, and he can go on to purchase a home with another love, and have a better life for himself.  I know that once he hands over the key and closes the door...... that is when my life will screech to a halt and I'll have to figure it all out on my own.  In a way, I think it will be the kick in the ass I've needed these past few years..... but I also wish I didn't have to go it alone.  My family hasn't exactly been emotionally supportive, so the only people I can rely on are me, myself and I.

I wish my husband a wonderful rest of his life.  I wish I had been the right person to share the rest of his life with him..... but I have no doubt he will now be able to find what he really wants.  I don't think I will ever marry again, but I do hope that I find a partner..... someone to have fun and enjoy life with.

I just have to pick up the pieces and start again.

"Goodbye Pisces"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA1nOrOD_ps