For those who don't know, for Lughnasadh (or Lammas) we celebrate the first harvest. The focus of ritual work is to shed things in our lives that are no longer good for us, so that we can make way for things to come and to open up to abundance and things that we DO want in our lives.
I remember feeling really good that day. Not only because I was looking forward to the day's activities, but because I had recently joined a gym and started feeling a great deal better about myself. I felt more confidant, and filled with hope that maybe my life was finally headed in the right direction.
When I arrived in Kensington.... Maria, the High Priestess, had all sorts of wonderful ingredients laying out in bowls with correspondences underneath them. We always had a group project before or during ritual on the Sabbats, and I asked curiously what the ingredients were for. She said that we would be making muffins. The ingredients magickally corresponded to things we would like to add to our lives. There were strawberries for love, almonds for fertility, honey for health, blueberries for acceptance, etc. What a wonderful idea! I was so excited! It was like being able to go to a buffet and choose the life you wanted with everything you wanted in it.
I had a lot of faith in this exercise, even though it may seem silly. I was at a point in my life where I really wanted things to turn out well. I've been through a lot..... well, who hasn't? I was just starting to see the real me hiding underneath years of denial and unhappiness. And I was ready to face life with enthusiasm and positivity. And this exercise would give me a chance to make up my mind and choose what I really wanted. That's what a spell is after all..... knowing what you want and taking every step possible to make it come true.
I should probably mention that I was very much in love with someone....and still am. And even though one of the things I wanted above all else was love....I wasn't about to use this as a way to forcibly bring this man into my life. A year before I had foolishly tried just that, and of course failed. But I cared about him too much to try that again. As much as it hurt..... I respected that maybe I just wasn't the right person for him.
I remember taking a moment to clear myself of any intention to control that specific person's will. I took a deep breath, and told the Universe that I really just wanted to meet someone who cared about me. That I wanted to find romantic love with the right person. I wanted someone to treat me special. I wanted other things too.... I wanted good health, and I wanted to improve my life for the better and be true to myself from then on.
Then I got in my "spell zone"..... which I guess I can describe as sort of like meditation. It's a state of being ready to just accept possibilities and accept what the Universe had to show and offer me. It's a state free of mind clutter..... being able to shut off the voice that usually told me what to do or questioned what I was doing. I was in the zone.... just focusing on the task at hand. I wasn't aware of anything else going on around me. My mind registered the correspondences written underneath all the ingredients, and I knew exactly what to choose. I chose everything effortlessly, without thinking, yet certainly mindful of what I was including.
I can't say another spell ever before or after this one went quite as smoothly. And without a doubt, I knew it had worked. There was no question in my mind. It was magick!
I carefully handed over my tray of muffins to Molly, the daughter of the High Priestess, who carefully put them in the oven along with the others. Everyone was excited and wondering if their muffins would taste good or if all the ingredients they added went together in such a way that they would taste awful. But again....I just knew.
I've never had more delicious tasting muffins in my life. We each got to try our muffins at a crucial point during ritual, and I remember the wincing faces and laughter. But I was on the verge of tears. I was biting into my new life! And it tasted awesome.
Little did I know that this was only the beginning..... and that it would be one of the happiest days of my life.
Feeling happy and buzzing with the warm fuzzies from the ritual, I journeyed to New Ipswich to my mother in law's birthday party which was pretty much over by the time I arrived. A lot of people had left or were in the process of leaving, and some people were just sitting around talking and I joined them.
I remember my heart skipping a few beats as usual when He walked in the room. And by He, I mean the man I was very much in love with. I noticed my mother in law's boyfriend introducing him to a young girl, probably in her early 20's, and it was pretty obvious by the way it was done that he was trying to hook them up. And I wasn't jealous.... I'm not the jealous type anyway. Instead, I found the exchange funny because of his awkward reaction.
And as I was talking to other people, I noticed him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. And I remembered he interjected to tell me my Moussaka was very good. I think it was the first and only compliment I ever got from him, and I remember it made me happy. Not only because it was a nice compliment.... but it made me happy that I made something he felt compelled to put in his body. I made someone I love food, and he ate it and liked it. Wow.... that was amazing to me.
"Drink with me", he said. For the first time since I had known him, he actually wanted to spend time with me. I didn't know whether it would be a few minutes or hours.... but I accepted whatever amount of time he wanted to give me. He poured my wine, and talked to me, and laughed with me.
And even after everyone else had left or gone to sleep..... he was still with me. Normally he would have excused himself and left the room.... or just left without saying anything, as he was famous for being stealthy and performing disappearing acts that would make Houdini jealous.
For pretty much the first time (in person anyway), between us were actual discussions. I remember being afraid to say much, as I didn't want to open my mouth and say the wrong thing or scare him away. And I enjoyed listening to him talk anyway. We listened to his favorite music in his car, and it just made me smile. He kept asking me what I was smiling about, and I couldn't answer. There were no words for that much happiness. He was sharing something with me. It was overwhelming....scary, fun, and exciting. All the wonderful and complex feelings of a lifetime in one evening.
And he took my hand.... for no reason....and told me I could trust him. He had never taken my hand before, and it felt good. His hands were strong and protective, familiar and reassuring. Every touch felt like a spark of electricity. The sound of his voice close to me sent shivers down my spine. The feel of his breath awakened parts of me that hadn't felt much in a long time.
As we sat by the fire talking and sitting close together, there was suddenly silence, and I could feel him looking at me. He gently reached out and touched my hair, and I assumed at first that he was just playing with it....as he already had that evening. I could feel his face close to mine, and my brain suddenly realized....or thought it realized.... what was about to happen. I tried to relax and for a moment I did just fine. My heart was full, my mind was quiet....I was going to turn toward him and give him the best damn kiss he would ever have in his entire life. I knew it..... without a doubt it was going to happen.
But it didn't.....just as I was about to turn toward him, I received a vision. And even typing that seems silly.... I never had a vision in my entire life before then. My mother claims she once saw the Virgin Mary at Dunkin Donuts.... THAT was a vision. But what I got, I still don't completely understand. It was a vision of another time that seemed long ago. And I knew in my heart that it was us. I saw happiness, family and love....but I also saw difficulty, heartache, and insurmountable odds. There was a rift, and was always a rift, between us that required the will and conviction of both of us.... but doubt and fear kept us from overcoming it.
The inner chatter I managed to quiet earlier in the day came back. And I felt scared and unsure of myself. Fear took over. I can imagine I must have looked pretty frightened and unaccepting of anything that was about to happen. He said, "Don't mind me, there was something in your hair", and then he turned away from me. The moment was lost, never to return again.
Shortly after that, he seemed exhausted and announced that he was going to go to sleep. He found me a room to sleep in for the night, and I was still a little shaken up by what had happened. I wanted to say something, or try and gain back the moment that was lost. It seemed like we were standing in that room forever, and I remember asking the Universe (to myself) for another chance, and for me to have the confidence to kiss him and finally be able to tell him I loved him, to his face....in person....the way I should have told him. But I was frozen and found myself unable to move. And I heard a whisper in response....
"Not now."
And I remember looking back and finding that he had left the room.
I still tried to defy what I had heard and disregard it. I foolishly walked out into the dining room where he was sitting, and could tell he was looking at me as if to say, "You're back? What the heck do you want?". He got up from the chair, patted me on the head and said "Goodnight Munchkin." That was the only time he ever called me that. And he never knew that the name was considered a term of endearment in my family. In particular, it was the name my Grandfather (who had passed away in 2007) always called my oldest niece Stephanie, and it was usually followed with or proceeded by the words "I love you."
In the morning everything had seemed like a dream, and might as well have been. I never did get another chance to spend time with him, nor have we had any real discussions since that night. Any attempts to talk to him were always met with silence... a cold shoulder, curt answers, or his disappearance before I could even strike up the courage. Our interactions were never the same.... he always seemed pissed off at me or just gave me the impression that I was the last person he would ever want to talk to. That was pretty much how it was before that night by the fire.... and things were "back to normal."
I have to admit, that I was mad at myself and the Universe for quite a while. I wondered what the point of the evening had been..... what was I supposed to have learned? Part of me wishes the night had never happened, and that it was a curse to be shown what I had seen. And was it even real anyway? The Universe had never shown me anything before in quite that way.....a way so obvious and blatant, yet I still don't know what it meant.
Even though it has only been two years, my life has changed drastically since then. Most of the changes have been difficult but necessary. And they included only a slim possibility of ever seeing Him again. I miss him a lot, but accept that there is nothing I can do to make a connection. The love I feel is still strong, but if there is no willingness on his part.....it is a dead end. The Universe can show us anything it wants to.... we still have free will. And we all make choices in our lives. Not being in my life is his, and I have to respect that. He is in a relationship that seems to make him happy.... and part of loving someone is wanting him to be happy whether I am in his life or not.
I wouldn't say that nothing has happened since then. In the past two years, we've had moments.... he's given me bone crushing hugs that nearly gave me orgasms. I received a brief backrub, a grope, and an embrace from behind. I was finally able to kiss him....on the cheek, last Christmas Eve. And I enjoyed it more than any other cheek kiss I've ever given. I still feel a magnetic pull toward him, and as the emotional distance grows between his family and I, it has become very difficult to bear knowing that I can't see him. I've had moments of absolute despair, wishing so much that there was something I could do. I've also had moments of determination..... to move on, to find my purpose. My heart is still heavy, with love and longing, and a feeling of hopelessness.
Try as I might to push aside my feelings, I have been stuck in a state of melancholy. Some aspects of moving forward come easily to me, but in matters of the heart I feel frozen, sad, and unbearably lost. I feel like a part of me is missing, and I have no choice but to try and go on without it. And the last day of my life can't come soon enough.
I still wonder what the Universe was trying to tell me.
Maybe the Universe was just granting me a special night with someone I love, because I had wished for it for so long. Or maybe it was trying to show me that love was still worth fighting for despite all the bad experiences I have had. Maybe it was trying to show me that doubt and fear could destroy relationships and prevent us from living the lives we truly desire.
Was it a test? Did I fail? I will never know the answer.
Regardless, that night will always be a blessing to me, not a curse. It was a chance to spend time with Him, and I'm forever grateful for the amount of time I was given, however brief. After all, many people spend most of their lives waiting to feel as much love as I have for Him..... and they wait for moments of complete happiness....like that evening by the fire.
I will always remember that night as one of the most magical nights of my life.
My Lughnasadh blessing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR7xR9jfgVs
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| From left: Molly, Liz and I, about to eat our magickal muffins.
Lammas Night
I stood before my altar at Lammastide,
and asked the Lord and Lady to be my guides... "Please show to me a vision that I may see... what sacrifice is worthy to give to Thee." They showed to me an apple without a core... They showed to me a dwelling without a door... They showed to me a palace where They may be, and They may unlock it without a key... How can there be an apple without a core? How can there be a dwelling without a door? How can there be a palace where They may be, and They may unlock it without a key? ...My spirit is an apple without a core... ...My mind is a dwelling without a door... My heart is a palace where They may be, and They may unlock it without a key... I stood before my altar on Lammas night... and gave my Lord and Lady bright... the sacrifice They asked for with spirit free... Upon that Lammas evening, I gave Them me... Blessed Be...
-Author Unknown
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