Gold Dust of Autumn

I love this time of year.  And here in New England, Autumn has given us a big HELLO in the past two days.  Cool air has been giving way to a sudden urge to make Hot Apple Cider and pumpkin pie.  And the increase in sales for my Tipsy Pumpkin Soap....not complaining about that :)

This time of year is also bittersweet for me.... some special relationships have begun and ended during this time...mostly ended.  And its been a while since I had someone special to snuggle close to in the cold weather.  Even though up until Winter of this year my husband was still living with me.... its been a while since I had a warm relationship.

But Fall is a good time for rest and reflection....and watching the leaves turn.  I'm looking forward to some  events coming up..... like pumpkin festivals, taking my nieces out Trick or Treating for Halloween, Celebrate Samhain, and Samhain itself.  And hopefully getting some hiking in before it starts to snow.

My favorite singer, Tori Amos, is also releasing her new album "Gold Dust" on October 2nd, which I find very appropriate.  All of the songs on the album span 20 years of her career..... and they have been remastered and re-worked with an orchestra.  I was looking at the track listing today and noticed that most of the songs on the album are what I considered to be the most special to me.  Songs that have helped me get through some tough times.... songs that seemed to echo how I felt at that time in my life.... and songs that expressed emotion far better than I ever could. 

I've been a fan of Tori's since her first solo album came out in 1992 (my Junior year of high school).  And wow....times have changed.  I look at Tori and still think she's beautiful, despite her heavy botoxing :) .  But she has aged and matured in the past 20 years.  She seems a far cry from the young flaming red head having rough sex with her piano bench.  She still straddles the bench.... but its definitely not the same :) .  And she has grown from the young 20-something recovering from having been raped by a fan.... and the woman who lost someone she thought was the love of her life..... and has become a wife to her soulmate, and the mother of a 14 year old daughter.

Tori and I have had similar experiences.  I was raped at 13, and also lost someone I thought was the love of my life.  I did a lot of work on myself to heal plenty of wounds, but a few still remain.  I never got to be a  mother.... and at 37 its highly doubtful that I will.  And after ten years I am still in love with someone who I know will never feel the same, and would never give me a chance.  I am chained to a house that feels more like a prison than a home.

Ask me on a good day.... and I will give you a positive perspective on all of that.  And believe me....to do that takes a lot of strength for me.  But on days like this....I would like to surrender and stop trying so hard to find a purpose.  If there is one, it seems I may not find it before it is too late.  There are so many things I wanted to do with my life, and I haven't really done any of them. In the past year I've definitely had the feeling of running out of time.

At least I will get to listen to some beautiful music and drink some Hot Apple Cider while I'm waiting for time to run out :)