The Good

My Grandmother used to have a saying.  "If you have ten friends and the shit hits the fan for you.... 5 of them won't care and the other 5 will be glad it happened."

I used to think she was poisoning my mind with negative thoughts, which she did for pretty much my whole childhood until I was old enough to choose not to be in her company.  But as I get older I realize there is some truth to her favorite saying. 

I know that enduring "the bad" things in life are supposed to teach one a lesson.  And I'm very introspective, mostly involuntarily, because I spend most of the time alone.  And I have looked for the lessons and said to life, "Ok, I get it, can I get a break now?"

I do know that curses can be blessings.  And I know the point of life is mostly to learn.  Learn so we can go on to something better.

I've survived alot.  Some things people know, and some I've kept to myself.  All things considered.... I should be dead now.  And I thought maybe I survived because I was needed in some way, or because my life had a purpose.

But I've realized that it doesn't.  

I'm "blessed" to be in love with someone who hates me and probably wishes I was dead.  

I'm "blessed" to be in my late 30's and have no family of my own.... so I get to supposedly do "anything I want" and not have to worry about paying for a babysitter.

I'm "blessed" to have a best friend who I've known for almost 20 years....and watch him turn from a gentle and caring person.... to a womanizer asshole, whose tricks even I fell for temporarily.  He's another person in my life who is only there for me when he feels like it. 

I'm "blessed" to know things that most people don't.  And I wish I didn't know those things.

I'm "blessed" to have a job where no one cares if I am there or not.

I have been grateful.... but lately I'm just sad.   Today was a beautiful day.... but I spent the day crying.  There are things I wanted to do, but I just didn't want to do them alone.  Its almost 8pm and I have a headache and sore eyes from crying all day.  And all I want to do is sleep. 

I've been strong willed for most of my life.... and maybe that's the real reason I survived.  Because I was stubborn and didn't want to believe that there wasn't more life to live.  I tried to be positive in every situation, and have done pretty well until now.

But its official....my hope has run out.

I used to just want to be held.  Now all I want is to be let go.  I want my heart to be handed back to me intact.  And then I want to take a long nap, for the rest of my life.

To quote a favorite movie.... "Each one of us is walking our own Green Mile.  Sometimes the Green Mile seems so damn long."